Introduction: You’re about to listen to Spouse Hunting, the podcast that dares to ask the question, “Can I use the rules of real estate to find the love of my life?”

And then has the audacity to answer… “Yes. Yes you can.”

I’m your host, Brian Belefant, licensed Oregon real estate broker.

This is episode two.

Brian Belefant: Some people think that a date is like a job interview, but it occurs to me that it can also be like an audition. Maybe that’s because I used to work in Hollywood as a director.

Regardless, if dating is like an audition, maybe it would help to get some perspective from an actor. So I invited my friend Kyle Vahan to come talk to me.

You might not recognize Kyle from the TV show Grimm, where he played John Oblinger, a wessen –– specifically an eis bever. He had all sorts of makeup on and stuff. But take my word for it, he’s extremely good looking. 

Hi Kyle. 

Kyle Vahan: Hi, Brian.

Brian Belefant: Where are we finding you today?

Kyle Vahan: You’re finding me in Portland, Oregon, on a beautiful day.

Brian Belefant: Fantastic. So I have some questions for you with regard to your profession as an actor and with regard to dating, but let’s start with the acting. Tell me how you got started.

Kyle Vahan: I was in a women’s studies class at the University of Oregon. In that class, there were 50 women and four young, intelligent, inquisitive, and terrified young men. I was one of those young men. We were terrified because it was a fantastic women’s studies class that addressed a lot of really tough topics with regard to women and the history of women and the treatment of women for the past few hundred years and into the present, and we were often the object of some frustration. I tell you this because through this experience, we bonded. And for our final project, we were told we could do whatever we wanted to present the class material. We four boys decided to do a three-act play based upon the material in the class.

We put up this three-act play, it was received very well. It was a fantastic experience. And at the end, a beautiful woman in the front row looked at me and said, “Hey, Kyle…” I don’t think she’d looked at me or said one word to me before this, “Hey, Kyle, are you in the theater department?” And I said, “Uh… No…” She said, “You should be.” And I said, “Okay.” And I started to take theater classes and ended up with a Theater Arts minor from the University of Oregon, and that’s how it all started.

Brian Belefant: That is fantastic. Are you still in touch with her?

Kyle Vahan: I am not. I cannot… I remember her face as clear as day, but I couldn’t remember her name, that may have been the first and last time we ever spoke to each other. Not that I wouldn’t like to speak to her again, but I have no idea what her name is or what happened to her.

Brian Belefant: So whoever you are, if you happen to be listening to this podcast, please reach out. You can get to Kyle through me, at Spouse Hunting-dot-net.

So tell me Kyle, from your professional perspective. Is dating like auditioning?

Kyle Vahan: Absolutely, and if you’d like me to elaborate…

Brian Belefant: I was hoping you would.

Kyle Vahan: The people in casting, if there is a producer or director in the room, they want to see who that actor really is, and they don’t want you to be nervous. They really want you to be relaxed. Those people are really pulling for you to be the right one. To solve their problem. To be the fit they’re looking for for that specific role. So they want you to be relaxed and present the essence of who you are, not an idea of who you think they might want you to be. Not the idea of who you think this character might be, but yourself. To make the words of the character your own, and as genuine and authentic as possible.

Brian Belefant: That is absolutely fantastic. I can see the application to dating perfectly.

Kyle Vahan: Oh, it goes hand-in hand. I guess there’s a little pun there…. intended… 

Brian Belefant: Does that make it easier or harder? When it comes to being nervous going in? You want to be relaxed, but there’s a lot of pressure on you to be relaxed.

Kyle Vahan: There is. That’s part of the training. And just like so many goals in life, it’s the goal. Perfection is the goal. And attaining perfection is an impossibility, but to strive for it is a beautiful process. So there are rituals and techniques I go through to make sure I am present and not nervous. And I’d be lying if I said that I was never not nervous, in fact, a little bit of nerves are great, and we reframe that as excitement.

Brian Belefant: Oh, okay.

Kyle Vahan: So it’s a little bit of healthy nerves, which we term or reframe as excitement is a great thing. Just like on a date, you wouldn’t want someone to be completely blasée about your presence, they want to have some excitement. But uncomfortable, awkward nervousness? That’s a turn off for a potential date and… I’m not going to say it’s a turn off for those casting people, but it’s hard to see who you are if you have some really uncomfortable, awkward nervousness that’s really masking who you really are.

Brian Belefant: You mentioned rituals and practices that you do. Would you mind sharing a couple of those?

Kyle Vahan: I don’t mind at all. Some of the rituals I go through include… It’s all about being relaxed and present, so I do do breathing exercises, meditation… and meditation, in my definition of meditation, is very broad, if I am going to a casting studio, I might get there early and take a walk, and just be present in… if I’m lucky to be in nature. To be present in nature. Breathe, focus on what I want from this audition, which is to connect to the material and really make these words my own and to communicate.

So it’s some brief rituals I go through. It’s not as important, but it’s important to warm up the instrument, in this case, it’s usually the body in the voice. If it’s a big audition that I might be nervous for, I might go for a run or go to the gym beforehand to try to burn off some of that excess nervousness or adrenaline.

Brian Belefant: I like that. So, you know, in my dating experience –– not that I have a lot of acting experience –– a lot of the things that you’ve said relate to some of the things that I’ve tried to do, and I just wanted to point them out just in case they’re helpful to somebody listening You said you’d like to get there early and take a walk, I like to do that when it’s a date, when it’s a job interview, when a meeting, all that stuff, because it’s awkward and uncomfortable to come in late. If I’m there early, I don’t need to be sitting there looking like I’m waiting for somebody, I just want to have time to relax, get to know by setting, feel comfortable in my place, and then when the other person shows up or when I’m called him to go to the meeting or the interview, I actually don’t feel rushed, I’ve had time to acclimatize. And it sounds like you’re saying the same thing.

Kyle Vahan: Definitely, if we’re running behind in schedule, we’re much more likely to be nervous, anxious, and getting off on the wrong foot, whether that’s an audition or date. And when we think of, I think most great leaders, we think of them as fairly relaxed when they’re going about their decisions, when they’re going about their day, not rushing around like a maniac or second guessing their choices or shaking with nerves. I don’t think that brings us great comfort when we see that in a leader.

Brian Belefant: I think that’s an excellent point. Another thing that I wanted to pick up on is that you said you like to have the time to connect to the material that you’re presenting and as an actor, that obviously that means the role, the script, the circumstance, the scene in a day. I think the analog for me anyway is oftentimes if it’s… say a Bumble date or something, I will go over the person’s profile in any communication we’ve had, because if we’ve talked about, “Hey, maybe we’ll go check out with pizza place,” and she says, “I don’t eat lactose,” it just refreshes my memory of the conversations we’ve had. And I feel more prepared walking in. So I think that’s a pretty good analogy.

Kyle Vahan: I think it’s brilliant, Brian. What you’re doing there is you’re doing some character research. Often times if I’m playing a role, I need to do some research on that character that I am going to be embody, hopefully as human beings, and I don’t think it’s most often, there are those rare exceptions, it can be difficult to know one’s own self. But you’re already ahead of the game as an actor going on a date. If you know who you are as a human being and then as a character. If you know who that character is and then to your point, who are you interacting with? That’s really important. If you have a scene together in that casting room, who am I talking to? Why am I talking to them? How do I feel about them? What do I want from them in this situation? 

Brian Belefant: So you’ve talked about this, but I’m going to ask the question specifically, and maybe you can go into some more detail, but I’m curious about how you approach acting. I know there are many schools of thought. Do you abide by a particular school of thought?

Kyle Vahan: I do, I approach the work with love in my heart, curiosity, a desire to connect to the material, to connect to myself and the person or persons with whom I will be acting, so that it’s authentic and real. It’s not pretend. It’s not lying. Good actors will make it real.

And people watching will feel like they’re voyeurs watching a scene unfold in front of them, not… “I’m watching someone act right now.” If they feel like they’re watching someone act right now, you’re probably not gonna get that role.

Brian Belefant: I like that.

So if you had to distill it down to one thing that almost anybody could do to improve their chances to the success, what would you say? 

Kyle Vahan: Relax.

Brian Belefant: Okay, big question. What is your definition of love?

Kyle Vahan: It’s a trick question. I hate to bring the Greeks into this, but the Greeks had many words, because there are many different types of love. If we’re talking about romantic love, which I believe we are, it all starts with loving yourself. It all begins from within, and from there… Love is a vibration, a feeling. It’s important to accept one’s self first, so that you can completely accept someone else for whoever they are. We’re all beautiful, perfect, flawed, imperfect beings, so accepting them for all of their goodness and imperfections, and truly having a connection at a soul level, whether or not we have souls, I know that’s a bigger topic in a bigger conversation, but it’s challenging to describe, and I wouldn’t disagree with anyone that had a different definition. But it is that indescribable higher vibration that flows in between two people and magnifies itself when both are in love and feeling nothing but kindness and respect for each other.

Brian Belefant: I like that, that’s beautiful.

So, Kyle. Do you own a home?

Kyle Vahan: I do own a home.

Brian Belefant: Tell me about it.

Kyle Vahan: Craftsman bungalow, I believe built in 1911 in Southeast Portland, and I’ve been putting a lot of work into it over the last 18 months.

Brian Belefant: How long have you lived there?

Kyle Vahan: About 13 years, so… 

Brian Belefant: Wow, okay. There’s still more to do?

Kyle Vahan: There’s always more to do. It’s a beautiful thing. That’s it. Some people are irritated by it, but if one is fortunate enough to own a home, you get to do work on it, not you have… You get to… 

Brian Belefant: That’s nice. I like your perspective on that. And I don’t know if you’ve read this, but I do think that there’s something… There’s a parallel between a home and a relationship and… The same thing in a relationship. There’s always stuff to do. And you get to do it.

Kyle Vahan: I couldn’t have set it better myself. Right.

Brian Belefant: So are you in a relationship right now?

Kyle Vahan: I am. I do have a partner.

Brian Belefant: Tell me.

Kyle Vahan: She’s a wonderful woman. I will keep her identity secreted, but it’s at a… 

Brian Belefant: Wait a minute! Are you dating my girlfriend?

Kyle Vahan: I don’t know. Do you have a girlfriend?

Brian Belefant: So how long have you been in this relationship?

Kyle Vahan: Just over a year. And it’s been the most fulfilling and challenging relationship in my life, and luckily I’m in a position where often times… Not all the time… oftentimes, I can meet those challenges. And the beautiful thing that comes about out is… There’s a lot that we can’t learn about ourselves unless we’re in a relationship, there’s only so much we can learn because I’ve sequestered myself and purposely not been in relationships for periods of time in my life to do that work on myself, and then there comes a point. To grow, I think we’re all here, whatever our relationships look like together to grow and help others grow, and in the process, they help us grow as human beings, as soul creatures.

Brian Belefant: That is beautiful. 

Kyle Vahan: And those challenges, those challenges aren’t always comfortable. Sometimes they’re delightful and sometimes they’re uncomfortable, and oftentimes, the greatest growth comes from those uncomfortable challenges. And I’m certainly not perfect, it’s taken me years to rise to meet those challenges and grow from them in relationships and years gone by, I wasn’t up to those challenges and I crumbled and the relationships did as well. 

Brian Belefant: So I think that’s… To me, anyway, that’s what comes with maturity is the… You actually recognize that the relationship is worth the discomfort, and so you’ll go through the discomfort to keep the relationship. 

Kyle Vahan: And I don’t know how much it has to do with age. Age does play a part, but there is some… There are some people that… At 18, have more figured out than I have now. I don’t know how… I don’t know why. I used to worry about it, I don’t care anymore. That’s their path. I have my path. If we were all the same we would be bored. And that includes different levels of maturity at different levels of life.

Brian Belefant: Yeah. Do you have anything you’d like to add? Bring up advice you might wanna give to people who are listening?

Kyle Vahan: That one word answer I gave is so important. Relax. No matter what’s going on in the world, and that’s not to be apathetic, but it is to relax, because the more relaxed we are, the more connected we are to ourselves, and the more authentically we can be connected to others. And when we’re authentically connected to others, we can communicate and we can be understood. And we can understand those people. Which is the basis for any relationship. And I think a lot of frustration, anger, hatred comes about when we don’t feel like we’re being heard or understood, and when others don’t feel like they’re being heard and understood. And just relaxing, I think letting go the ego, being unattached to the results, being present… I’m giving you more of an answer than I wanted, but it all ties in to the… Just just like your Dog. The dog is present. Oftentimes the dogs relaxed.

It’s why some people can so easily give unconditional love to their pet, and they may struggle with relationships with anyone else, including themselves. But that dog or cat, if anything happen to it, it might be the end of their world or feel like it best… That animal is present and authentic, and in its way understands and communicates –– listens without judgment.

Brian Belefant: So let’s all strive to be more dog-like in our relationships.

Kyle Vahan: Or cat, or parrot or parakeet or hamster. Whatever your pet of choice.

Brian Belefant: Okay, well, I gotta pick dog because I have Milo, the best puppy ever. 

Kyle Vahan: I’m a dog fan myself, I just don’t want to exclude the other… 

Brian Belefant: Yeah, people can be sensitive to that… Well, thank you, Kyle, it is, as always, such a pleasure to talk to you.

Kyle Vahan: I appreciate the opportunity to communicate. Brian. It’s always good to get up with you.

Brian Belefant: I can’t wait till this lockdown or whatever it is is over, we can go up, actually spent some time in each other’s presence. That would be nice.

Kyle Vahan: It would be very nice.

Brian Belefant: Kyle Vahan is… I don’t ant to say… Yes, I am going to say Kyle Vahan is my favorite actor. And I am so glad that he actually agreed to come on the podcast. Thank you, Kyle.

Kyle Vahan: Brian, you’re my favorite realtor.

Brian Belefant: You would think I was setting up for that and I wasn’t. I totally wasn’t. Thank you, I’ll talk to you again soon. 

Kyle Vahan: Excellent. Be well.